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I don't even know what this categorize as

I don’t know what to do.
Or what to say.
I feel so alone and so down now.

Today one of my lecturer criticize my work by saying that all of the picture are using clipart which are unedited and was just copy paste from Google. But I did. I did edited some of them. And not all of it are copy paste. For God’s sake I did try doing it.
And she criticized me after that in front of the whole class. Granted she did not mentioned my name, but I know that’s me and my my friend. And she is not even being subtle. She kept glaring at me and my friends and keep saying ‘Do not clipart from Google’ ‘Can’t you even choose an even better one?’ ‘I will comment on your works later, but obviously Clipart content ones will be rejected’ ‘The freshmen probably laugh at you seniors who is not creative enough’ ‘Aren’t you ashamed that is what you have learnt til now, only using clipart for image?’
I heard the word ‘Clipart’ so many times, I felt so irritated. But because some of her words is right, I accept her words. Although I actually was irritated and feel the discomfort that she accused me on not using the survey result to make the design. But instead jumping to the design part without considering the aforementioned research parts.

So our assignment was to create a poster or printed ads for Advertising major.
Client wants are: More students taking Advertising major, image that Advertising major are lazy unfashionable is changed, told the students more about Advertising.
Survey consumer result are: They don’t know what the difference between arts and design, they don’t understand what Advertising do, what kind of jobs or positions available and the job description, And whether they must be able to draw or not.

I did use it. But I can’t just shove 5+ problems into symbol to make onlookers know what I’m trying to say without it(the poster) being too full or messy. How do you even tell what the job of the art director is or account executive or media planner and many more without providing long sentences explaining what the job entails?? The main aims are for them to get the information they want. You can’t just shove words there if you want to explain all of the jobs. And it’s not just 3, it’s 12 in a page with other picture in it.

Weird even she criticized my group but ignoring whether problems have been installed in the groups she deems right, and when I asked said group, they told me they only fulfilled the clients and some of the consumers, not ALL. They didn’t even provide the problem solving ones.

Hell, one of the problem is the first year don’t get how do we design and try searching for the right image and for her to beseech me then and there. I think I would be better off not doing it like some of my friends than doing it and got degraded the whole 2 hours she gave the lecture. They just got told to give it next Tuesday.

I swear I’m halfway to strangle her or shoved some words down her throat.
But I don’t. Instead I frown and beating it over my own self, how I am not good enough like my friends’ were.

If I know that, I would just make my image good and ignore some of the survey expectation.
After spouting ‘Clip Art’ every 5 minutes or so, she told the group name and display a photo which I had written down and taken picture of and sent to her by email as per her request few weeks ago. By God, she said to just send it to her email when I offered the paper to her. So I did. I send it to her email, just by photo. She didn’t mention anything anyway. So I thought it’s okay. But today she said and I quoted, “Look at how your friend had taken it. She just send it by taking a picture”. In other words, she by sarcasm is trying to say I’m lazy. The hell!! You should have told me that explicitly if you want me to give it in Words.
Now the Clipart thing made me irritated but I’m not mad at her(angry yes, but not truly blame all on her, cause hey it is criticism however not all of it is true), but this one, this paper thing is what snap my patience.
Is not enough she kept complaining about the clipart thing, but even till the name group paper one. Which I sent to her 2 weeks ago and she complain about it now. The hell-The hell-The hell--!!
My lava of anger truly shot a rocket there.

I kept trying to stay calm but I’m truly boiling in anger. At least I’m trying! She did not even go that far to people who don’t do her work.

I went home and go showering straight away. I had hoped showering would make me cool myself. I’m always being too sensitive and take things to heart so I’m learning not to lose my cool. But really this thing is stressing me out.

In some way, she probably thought I look down on her teachings or something. But I’m not. I’m trying for God’s sake. I don’t even know how to operate photoshop until last year! Can’t you at least say it differently and not look like you are trying to stomp my confidence down to the dirt.

Last year, she(she’s my lecturer last year too) even told my design was a third-class design. Which I fortunately did not hear clearly of, until my friend ask me about my feelings. I just went ‘Is that what she said? I don’t know, I don’t hear it that time so..’
Other people are bad, there are also those who don’t do her assignment. I just don’t get how she is so fixated on ruining my confidence and putting her foot with my face on the dirt.
In some way, this can be her trying to tell me to man up and be more creative, but the way she said things made me feel like a trash. However hyperbole that is.

The thing is I feel guilty for not loving and doing it as fun as my friend with passion did. I choose this major out of spite to my mother who rather me choose Public Relations ( I can’t even do presentation without feeling like I’m choking for air and hoping it finished quickly, though I did do it seriously and no matter how I calm myself down, how can I even talk in front of the crowd.)
I did like things such as doing art but these days, I’m feeling like I should have just enter a foreign language class, Literature major.. I’m very interested in learning foreign language(except Mandarin maybe, Idkw but I can’t ever bring myself to remember the lesson)! That might be the only true thing in my life now. These days my only free day is at Friday ( if the lecturer doesn’t go absent in his/her assigned day. If he/she is, I would need to go to replacement class on Friday.

I’m 21 now. And I think I gradually lose myself here. I got no friends ( no matter how I try t stick close or indulged on the things they like, like gossips or anything they deemed interesting). I kept wondering if it’s cause I’m older than them by a year, or cause I’m boring.
My family is like relative to me. I rarely meet them even when I was a child anyway ( can you believe me when I say I met them on Sunday and National holidays? ). My older brothers? Sometimes I even wonder if we are related or does they even know I exist? That they have little sister? Cause hey I grew up in one house with them, several years with one of them in fact and couple of years for the eldest, But never did they treat me like a sister. I’m more of like a girl living in their house. Even my cousin(the only cousin I like, which is female and suffer my grandmother prejudice of being a female and daughther of interacial couple, however a bastard her father now is) is more like sister to them.
My brothers can laugh with her. But with me? My oldest brother? So so. My second? He always either glaring or frowning at me. Like I do something terrible by talking to him. He avoided me like a disease.
Now I stopped bothering with my relationship my family. Sure I tolerate them, but saying I like them? Then when you asked me, I probably won’t look into your eyes and say yes and told a happy family story to you.
I can say I’m being ungrateful for a life with family members in it. I could have not had a mother, a father a siblings or even relatives. I could be an orphan, I could be a disabled.
But never did I find myself able to say honestly to the world for being alive and for being born.
For being in a family. For having enough money to buy myself a supper.

Cause I’m not being happy.
Cause I keep searching and searching for a meaning on my life.

Searching for happiness.
Searching for an identity.
Searching for a home to come home to,
cause a home is not supposed to send me into tears at night.

Cause I’m getting tired living somebody else’s life. For being my dead sister’s replacement.

Hell, sometimes I wondered what exactly do I live for?
To bide in my family rule and strictness?
To be the daughter who is later supposed to be the one take care my parents after they are old?
To give up my dream?
To give up my own self?
Just cause I have the nerve to be born as a female?

Why can’t they just let me go?
Just let me go if they cause me so much pain.
To everyday compare to my male siblings and male cousins.
Tying me down and keeping me here just make me more miserable and more desperate for an escape

I’m being so pathetic wishing every birthday for a happiness this year and got more sadness in return. Turning 21 this year, I even forgot I had a birthday.
How lonely can it be?

Isn’t having something to eat is happiness itself, there are people with no food to eat or no water to drink. Not even a internet or a roof above their head. Or even time to write all this crap or self pitying cause they got more in life. They have stomach to fee and no time to think like this.

But because I’m not an angel or a saint or a samatarian or a kind person nor do I work as social volunteer or worker, I can’t. I can’t okay? I can’t say I’m grateful for my life cause I honestly. am. Not. Happy. With. My. Damn. Life.
Perhaps I am not religious enough. Perhaps not kind enough. Perhaps a prick, a sensitive ungrateful bitch. But the things is. I don’t care. Lying to my own self for 15 years that I should be a good girl. A patient and understanding daughter. A good friend(who should stay beside her friend and not complaining when her friends only go to her when they are in a fight with others or need help). Holding the things I wanna say cause I should not be so selfish when they are others who are much more miserable is just….
Fuck it all!! *giving middle finger*

I am truly going insane if I don’t let myself out now. I would rather be told as ungrateful than being tortured for not standing up and being my own self. For not trying hard enough to change my life.
For giving up my dreams just cause I had the misfortune for being a girl and a daughter in my family.

So what if I like learning and thinks having a degree is awesome, games are marvellous, pants are terrific and short hair are just fabulous? And not things such as a good housewife or in house daughter (who just take care of her parents and ran family shop, not getting own likes and dislikes?).

I’m fine just it is. I would think later when I had reach my dreams. I don’t want to stop dreaming, even in my age. I would rather thinks it’s possible just work hard, than it’s impossible and life a dull life. After all it’s my life, I would have a life that I will live, not theirs.

It’s my future. So what’s wrong for being insane and dreaming something completely absurd and crazy like throwing money from helicopter cause I’m so rich it’s not even a dent in my bank account?
So what I’m (a bit) plonked in the head. But that’s better than having no dream at all.
At least I can say I had tried it than saying I never try it. Cause I have known I had tried.
I rather not regret of a what-if which can never be answered if I just give it all up.

AND Now I don’t even know what words are out. Hahaha.. ^ ^’
Forgive me. I just need to let myself out. I don’t even know how I had start ranting about my lecturer to my life.
I’m being so talkative and the grammar is all messed up. Forgive all those mistakes too will you?
There’s most probably A LOT up there (might be down here too lol).

I don’t know if I can post this on lj or not. Cause it’s more or less like a ranting on my life and the events I just had. But I do feel much better after writing all f this down. So I think I’m going to post this.

I’m sorry for all the mistakes and all the things that might bothered you or annoyed you. Umm? Don’t flame me? Lol I’m just kidding. I’m probably going to fume on things I don’t agree. I’m just like that so I’m sorry.. ^ ^
But just having you read all these 2400 something words(look at the word count just now, and it’s still going up as I speak write) IS.. I’m embarrassed! But happy in a way that you even want to read this uninmportant ranting/complaining things. You do in a way, whether to waste or spend, it reading this first entry of mine. However bleak, immature and childish it is. So negative even to self. *sweatdropped*

Thank you a lot! Like a thanks with tight hug thing!! >w<

I really hope the next time I write an entry is not to write a negative thing like this but a real entry like an Ohmiya fic! I wrote a bit, but stopped for 4-5 months now? Cause it’s still need a lot more to make it real.
You can see even this entry is so full of maybe typo and grammar mistakes. But I decided not to edit it cause well, it just flowed like this when I tried to write. I tried to give it as I feel it at the moment. So yeah? *sweatdropped again*

Anyway, thanks again. Bye bye~



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